The opposite of war isn't peace.

This past week has been hard and I'm starting to give up,
I hate the fact you're leaving,
I haven't told you nearly everything about myself,
but I've showed you a side of me that only you can understand,
you know my hopes and dreams and wants and you believe in me unconditionally.
I've never had that,
I don't want you to go.. I can't even bare the thought of having to say good bye to you.
You've made me proud to go after what I want to be,
nothing will ever change the fact that you have a place in my heart forever,
I love you with all my heart.
And you had better make sure that if and when you leave,
that you come back to get me and never forget me.

haha so today it's kinda cruddy but I feel way better about myself.
I just made pizza, watching some TV then going to Anthonys for his graduation party/bonfire :]
I'm going to be happy. Things feel different.

I never ever want to feel this way, and I do.
Every night, and every day.
You were a fix.
And now you'll never know.
I run away from everything that even compares to compassion.
I run away from everyone.
I just don't know how to do anything,
but run.
Liar liar,
I can find a flame.
Liar liar,
I can hurt again.

So sorry this isn't a I'm sorry.
So sorry this is goodbye.
So sorry I ruined the future,
but running away from your light.
Never could I fall,
for some amount of time so long.
Because falling hurts when you hit,
and falling hurts over all.

I really did care,
and you're the only one who knows.
I'm sorry I could get over all of this fear
I'm sorry you think so little of me,
but these words are not fake.

You are the only one, I've opened up to,
in such a long time.
You thawed out my tears,
but in the best sort of way.
You are the only one, I could ever get close to
and never worry about using me.

I believe that you though you loved me,
and I thought it for a moment.
So sorry it never worked,
so sorry I only hurt.
So sorry you thought you loved me,
and so sorry,
you don't.

So boy,
so sorry this is a goodbye.

I bought a dream book, and it deciphers meanings behind dreams I have.
I love it a lot. It hopefully will help me figure out why I keep having these dreams,
and why you're in them and how to get you out of them for good.



"I love you..."
You wouldn't know love if it smacked you in the face with a bag full of bricks and tattooed the purest feeling of love and the udder, most intense compassion in your very skin.
You are heartless only but to the newest interests.
I just want to stop feeling that after shock when I swear, I don't care.

So today, I am done tanning.
I am done with yesterday.
I have to keep going.
I have a undying heart throbbing passion for anything Robert Pattinson,
and I love Twilight a lot.
I am going to watch it right now,
laying in my bed surrounded by the four walls, floor and ceiling I call my room, which is currently in a complete state of havoc.
Goodnight.

I sometimes wonder if the impossible is possible.
Contradictions are part of life I guess.
I was sick all day, not exactly feeling 100% yet, either way, I'm going to read.


Just keeping life improvable, day by day.

Lately I've had some really good friends, some really iffy friends and some really hurtful people in my life.
I'm sad to say to one person I wish I could confront you about some stuff but you're never there long enough for me to say a word.
I miss you, and it sucks. You have no idea. I keep hearing all this stuff. It's not even making me mad, it's just causing me to grow closer and closer to tears,
I'm supposed to be someone you're close with... I feel completely disregarded :/
I just want to say this to you.

Well today I found out I look like a boy apparently ! :D
And I don't think I'm gonna go to school tomorrow haha because Mr. Bricker's a complete idiot.
Oh well it's whatever.
I'm so tired but I'm not.
Gonna try writing. I had a weird/good/off day :]
Just chillin.
Seriously I'm SO sick of people trying to get me into drama, leave me the eff alone.


I'm gonna go drink that tea I love and watch that Paramore DVD !
God is love, goodnight.

My Saturday was by far amazing. Bryan Brooks is my hero haha,
thanks to Mike and Bryan and Dom who cleaned my house! My mom's letting me go to b-dubs for the first time today :]
I decided I want to focus on music because I want to be happy, more then I want to be successful.
So right now I'm waiting for Alfie and Michael and Aaron. Ugh they take forever haha.
I love my nose ring, I want my septum done.
I want my effing industrial so badly.

Oh and I am Paramore obsessed. Yep.


That's all for now folks!

I'm 15, I'm Katlin.
I'm straight up done being sad, for real.
All my friends know it.
I'm done with everything boy related, I'm over all that, I'm seriously so focused on one thing it's ridiculous.
Haha, all I want anymore is to make music.
My friend Max and I have became really close because of it, there's not a lot of people who will say that they would want to live in a twelve person van for two weeks just as much as you would even if it made no money and living off of cereal.
I don't really want to go in the air force, I just want to be able to sing my lungs out. But I know it's going to take work so right now I'm looking for a b.a. vocal coach I could possibly see twice a week. That would be awesome.
So for right now, I'm gonna go and do some more writing, maybe make some of my favorite lemon zinger tea and watch the Paramore Final Riot dvd which is for now my greatest inspiration.
OH and I'm getting my nose pierced. I don't cared who had it done before me, I'm getting it done.
love katlin

I lost one of my best friends.
But it's her fault.

I love Dylan.
And that's both our faults.
No matter what..
it is what it is.


Kayla is my best friend and I'd do anything for her.

Aaron, and Scott.. they mean so much to me.
I don't know.
I'm flustered.
Everything and anything, all now and then, later and before.
It's life.

How someone you give your innocence to, your life, your well being and happiness to, how they forget you in a heartbeat.



It's weird how I believe that they cared about me.
Because I know if something happened to me tomorrow,
they really wouldn't care at all.

It's just weird,
because I was lied to this whole year
and I'm sick of being lied to.
Because I know, that if you can turn your back on someone
who cared about you more then anyone and would of done
a n y t h i n g for you,
that's not love.
That's nothing.

In all honesty this has been the hardest, saddest, most challenging, confusing and incredible two years of my life.
Everyone needs to stop complaining.
E V E R Y O N E.


I wasn't close with someone
but they don't know how much their situation affected me,
how much I wish I could say I'm sorry... even though it does nothing.

I realized what I've been thinking in my heart was right the whole time.
You HAVE to think with your heart,
not your anger or your dread. You can't think with your stomach or your friends opinions.
Your heart.


I realize what I have could be gone any day and I can't let it go.


I was put here, with everything for a reason,
and I have everything to make it into what I need and want
I just need to figure out how.

I never write these anymore
I actually try to avoid all things that had to do with the past ten months,
yea, ten months tomorrow.. can you believe it ?

I'm letting everything go. People mean to much to me anymore.

God is love..



<3

I really really care about you still.
It sucks.
Maybe seeing you will help
but,
now when I talk to him I forget how much pain I'm in. Maybe I'm still thinking about you but I just don't notice. Because you're always there.
I've never felt like this.
Maybe it's delusional or denial.. but I think, I know it's strength.
If he calls back, I'll know.


P.s. You miss that.. that made me feel the crappiest thus far. But I get to see an amazingly cute boy tonight who makes me happy.. so I'm not going to let it get to me.
<3

via kaitx hiptop: Yea... so what do I do from here ..
BroChillScott: What do you want?
via kaitx hiptop: I want to be happy again.. completly happy.
BroChillScott: What will make you happy?
via kaitx hiptop: Having the person who cares about me and I care about back into my life...
BroChillScott: Then go get him.
via kaitx hiptop: It's so hard thoguh. He's so stubborn and pushes it away.
BroChillScott: i know.
BroChillScott: You have to work for it.





Without Scott, I really don't know where I'd be right now.

I understand all you can do is give what you feel
not what you think.




I can smile and it's real,
but the whole, happy thing.
I wonder if anyone is noticing that I'm not...

I love you.





Who cares anymore. Really.
As long as you're not going to date someone else
and you still love me..
I know I'm fine.
Seriously what's supposed to happen will happen.

I've done what you wanted all along,


If it's a letter
You want
I'll write it now
If it's a song
I'll sing it loud
If it's attention
I'll be around
And if it's space
You need
I'll fly to the moon
Hoping to come back
And rescue you
But that's only
If you want me.









Space you need, consider me on the moon.
But can't you just leave me be?
I can't keep playing this game...


I want to be happy.





.... I know you're not ....

I realize how dumb it is for me to ask people not to do drugs.
I can only help myself, I am responsible for me and that's all.

Not you or you or you.
Just me.
So do drugs, drink, get so high your brain cells are cut in half.
I'll still be your friend and help you when you need it<3


I despise people who think they're cool.
You're not anymore cool then me.. to talk about how much you hate so an' so,
or how you got over this person so fast.


You have no idea what it is to love and live like I did and do.

So bottom line is,
you will never compare.
Be prepared for a let down.


Life finds its ways to make everything better,
I give God my love<3

If you've read my livejournal before you'll know how happy I was.




I wish I could erase but I can't.




This is the only place I feel I can say it and I need to......








I love you.

If you're going to say something. Stick to it. You wonder why I don't like you.. you lie.







Tomorrow's anticipation is killing me.

Going to Court's tonight. Movies. Girl stuff.

<3


P.S. I love you.